Stories from the Edge of Music #35: All the phrases you need to know to succeed in the music biz
It’s been busy around here, and I am VERY late with this Substack. To my surprise — and that of many of my friends — I celebrated my 90th birthday with a party and concert in a Toronto club last week. Since then I have been trying to respond to more than 600 people who sent greetings via Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, not to mention e-mails, texts, cards, letters — and I may have missed some carrier pigeons and smoke signals.
Featuring some of my favourite artists from Toronto, Montreal and even London, England, the birthday event was a benefit for Unison, an organization that supports Canadian musicians and music industry folk who need assistance.
Some 370 friends came to the party and while the final accounting still needs to be completed, it looks like Unison will get more than $3,000.
I’m actually paying it forward, because I might need help myself if I keep living this long…
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ALL-PURPOSE PHRASES TO GET MUSIC BUSINESS PEOPLE THROUGH THE DAY (PART 1)
Every part of the music industry has catchphrases: fibs and lies and half-truths that trip off the tongue without thought. They are useful phrases, and the absence of any real meaning is still important to those who hear them — as well as extremely handy for those who utter them.
To be told the cheque is in the mail offers relief for the person who tells you this (as well as giving them breathing space and a chance to go to the bank). And it offers solace to the person who hears it, even if they don’t really believe it.
I proudly offer this handy selection of phrases for all occasions. Use them as you will; suspend belief if you hear them.
All purpose phrases
1) I sent the contract (wire, cheque, agreement) yesterday.
2) Believe me, I know this business backward.
3) I want to be totally honest with you.
4) The possibilities in this business are endless.
5) If you have any problems, just get in touch.
6) Sorry, he’s in a meeting.
7) Appointment? Today? You’re kidding!
8) Look, I’m just a struggling composer (musician, agent, manager).
9) We’ll check it out with Los Angeles (New York, Nashville, Toronto).
For music publishers
1) Sure, I listened to the demo.
2) It’s a bit too country (rock, pop, metal, middle-of-the-road).
3) It’s not quite country enough (rock, pop, metal, middle-of-the-road).
4) Boy, you should have heard the cut Bryan Adams was thinking of covering. But, as you know, he usually does only his own stuff.
5) I think I can get this one straight to Drake (Taylor Swift, The Weeknd, Justin Bieber)
6) Once we’ve listened to a tape, we always send it back.
7) What? You want to split publishing?
8) Look, we’ll guarantee you a record deal.
9) Sign here.
They used to say this in record stores. Do you remember record stores?
1) Frank Sinatra? Sure, two aisles back, to the left, where I’m pointing.
2) Peggy Lee? Is she new wave?
3) Fred, have you ever heard of a Benny Goodman?
4) Classical? No, there’s not much call for it.
5) I’d like to order your record, but we’re over budget (doing inventory, moving, changing the store layout, dropping independent product).
6) We’ll make a deal as soon as you get radio play.
7) Hey, I like the record, but the boss hates it.
8) We can’t get any stock on it.
9) We ordered it this morning.
In the recording studio
1) It can always be fixed in the mix.
2) My projects always come in under budget.
3) We’ll record everything live off the floor.
4) Can we have some quiet in the control room, dammit!
5) Get me black coffee with three sugars, but for god’s sake don’t put it down on the control board.
6) That was just great. Now do it once more for safety’s sake.
7) The sound in this room is just fabulous.
8) Don’t worry, our engineer knows what he’s doing.
9) Look, George Martin never had to take this crap!
At the radio station
1) I was just listening to it when you called.
2) We’re having our programming meeting next Wednesday, and it’s at the top of the list.
3) We’re not having a meeting this week.
4) Sorry, he’s in the washroom and can’t come to the phone right now.
5) We’ll wait and see if there’s any traction on YouTube.
6) Look, we don't want to sound too Top 40.
7) Hey, come on, we’re not a hard rock station.
8) Your song reminds of (insert name of well-known artist).
9) My 14-year-old really digs it.
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NEXT WEEK, STILL MORE MUSIC BIZ CLICHÉS
Coming up, phrases you’ll hear at your local night club, concert hall and stage door, and some stuff you might hear from your manager.
I originally wrote a version of this piece for The Canadian Composer in 1988. Rediscovering it, I was surprised to find how very little revision was necessary.
Needless to say, I will be pleased to print additional phrases you may have heard (or used); please add them in the comments. The sender of the best submission will get an all-expenses paid trip to Hollywood.
Honest.
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THE LAST WORD
Stories from the Edge of Music that are in the works:
• Muddy Waters, the greatest blues singer of them all.
• Another personal piece about my life as a boy reporter.
• Three talented artists who quit music, and why.
• Another five Substacks you should check out.
• Some music books to find. And some videos to watch.
My friend
, who helps me get these stories online so’s you can read them, wrote a lovely piece about me a couple of weeks ago. If you have a mind to, you can read it here. I’ve recommended his Substack in the past, and cheerfully do so again. will constantly turn you on to music you’ve probably not heard. Or even heard of…
"Sign on the star and we'll make you a dot" (courtesy Frazier Mohawk aka Barry Friedman)
What a refreshing post, esp for your Southern neighbor. So happy for your 90th bday! What an inspiration. Only 15 yrs to go! Happy, happy birthday!